Sky Tied

I’m still feeling like I’m not good enough for my own life. I’m feeling insecure in my relationships and in my job and in the decisions that I make from day to day. The problem is, it’s easy to pinpoint when I started feeling inadequate and insecure. I’ve been pretty confident my whole life, and only recently have I been feeling like this. Even more troubling, it’s easy to point at the people and the events that have caused me doubt and say, “See? It’s their fault.” While they may have been the catalyst and reason for upset in the past, I’ve allowed myself to be victimized. Whether or not I’m doing it consciously, I’m giving control of how I feel now, to the past. I know I should retain the lessons that I’ve learned, but I shouldn’t punish myself for them. With all that being said, it’s much easier to recognize an issue than to fix it… but at least I’m trying. So many people go through their life and are not self-aware, and one thing I’ve worked very hard at is being aware of who I am and what I want to be. I believe strongly that no

Continue readingSometimes in our lives we meet an angel, but don’t realize until they’ve found their way home

Yesterday was the sixth time I’ve been stuck in an elevator. Six. Times. It hardly seems fair. That’s six times in three different companies, and I hate the fact that my elevator luck has bled over to where I work now. This time wasn’t that bad; I was in there for all of ten minutes or so, and the lights came back on when it started moving again. Needless to say, though, it was pretty familiar territory. It’s hard to freak out when you’ve been stuck like that several times before. When the elevator stopped and the lights went off, I simply let out a sigh, sat down, and waited (while texting my girlfriend on my cell phone). If it wasn’t such an inconvenience, I probably would have laughed. Some days it’s nice to know that we’re never really beyond the ridiculous stuff that has already happened to us. Sometimes we’re just on a temporary reprieve.

Every day that I come in to work, there’s a sign next to the Hawthorne bridge that says, “Breathe”. It’s hand painted, and up on a post that I’m sure someone put together with parts from an old abused basketball hoop. I read that same sign each day and, for a moment, ponder it. I always come to the same conclusion: the author, whoever they are, is fairly profound. Think about it. It’s sound advice, as it’s one of the few actions we all do for the entire duration of our lives. In some situations, it’s the only thing we can do. Isn’t that the first advice your mom always gave you when you were young and upset or crying? “Relax. Take a deep breath. It’ll be okay…” If the sky was falling all around me, and I was sure that I was going to die; I’d like to think that I would pause and enjoy that final breath. I would breathe, however poorly, for it would be all that I could do. What I find even more amazing and symbolic is giving breath to a dying person through CPR. I’ve had to give CPR on a few occasions in

Continue readingWhen I was just a baby, my momma told me, “Son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with guns.” But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die…

Huh. It has occurred to me in the last couple of weeks that I have writer’s block. I’ve written plenty, sure, but nothing I would consider to be a breakthrough, or interesting. Nothing that I would consider to be worth anything. I’ve scribbled down a handful of poems tonight, and I just as quickly threw them all away. My friend, Trina, asked me why I was in a funk today. Interestingly enough, I didn’t have much of an answer for her… but I was. I am. And the thing is, everything in my life, with the exception of a few small things at work, are fine. I think what may be concerning me is the fact that my life has been quiet lately. I’m used to the chaos; I’m confident in the chaos of my life. When things get quiet, it’s eerie. It’s frightening. Unknown territory. I’ve also started having doubts in certain parts of my life. Doubts of being good enough, or smart enough, or… just enough. I’ve never really had this issue before. I’ve never doubted myself, and in fact, have always considered myself to be a decently confident person. What has changed so drastically that I’m now

Continue reading… And it’s one more night in Hollywood… If you think that I can be forgiven… I wish you would.

Earlier today I found out that I will be getting my incentive bonus. The company posted a loss for the year because of some accounting realizations that I’m not going to go in to because, well, it’s none of your business. So the good news is, I still have a job. I’m getting an incentive bonus even if it’s still just the minimum (5% of my annual salary). I was hoping for the maximum benefit, which would have been 15% of my annual salary. I know that that hope was probably unrealistic based on the way the economy has gone. But, alas, I tend to be unrealistic sometimes. I will be satisfied with my 5%. I suppose the question then becomes, what to do with my bonus? It’s still a pretty hefty chunk of money. In fact, it’s probably enough to pay off my car. As tempting as that prospect is, one of the reasons I bought my car was to improve my credit rating. My credit was bruised and battered for a few years because of, well, because I trusted the wrong people. We’ll just leave it at that. So making a payment (and a hefty one at that)

Continue readingAnd it goes so fast, like a bomb blast, the conviction of the righteous is gone

A very good friend of mine has insisted that, in the midst of my insomnia laden evenings, I should consider working on my novel.  I’ve spoken with her on several occasions about writing this particular novel. It has been on my mind for years, and I’m feeling a need to either get started on it or let the idea go. My book of poetry is complete; I know that I can complete a project if I put my mind to it. Why haven’t I? This evening, I read through the rough draft outline that I wrote two years ago. It was sixty pages long and, to tell you the truth, I was sad to see that I’d just let it go and done nothing with it. How sad that we take our dreams and we compartmentalize them in a way that they never come to fruition. In some respects, it’s a necessity. We live and we grow older and we realize that some of our perceptions on life and the ways we intended to live it were wrong. We abandon one dream and create another. We work toward one thing while leaving another behind. That’s the way life is supposed

Continue readingSo I walk upon high, and I step to the edge to see my world below, and I laughed at myself while the tears rolled down

Today, as our annual review time is coming up at work, I began to think about a favorite quote of mine. You see, for our review, we’re required to write up all of our accomplishments for the previous year and present them to our supervisor. I have a relatively short list of accomplishments because a great many of them have required a large amount of time to complete. But most importantly, my job has required of me a very vast number of skills. It has been necessary to be able to work with a great number of people with extremely varied backgrounds, specializations, and to get them all to work in some kind of cohesive mix on each project. And each time I write down a new project that I’ve worked on or had to be involved with, I think of the following quote: A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a

Continue readingYou’ve dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind