Sky Tied

The silence is horrible. It’s been this way for hours, a day; it seems like years. There used to be noise here. There are memories of conversations that actually took place at this very spot. Beautiful conversations, as well as those more commonly described as smalltalk. Wars have been waged here, peace was found here. Some have said silence is golden. It’s really a situational dependancy. There are times when it is silence that gives enlightenment. There are times when silence brings on madness. I am caught between those two times. Caught, in the silence.

I’m not advocating that every damn thought in my head should come out of my mouth, but I think every person would be much happier and well balanced if they were less afraid to speak their mind. For example, in your personal life, Your significant other frequently does something that annoys the shit out of you. It’s not a big deal, but you notice every time. Do you just accept it? Most people would, and is that because they want to keep the peace? Don’t rock the boat, pick your battles? Another example, do you just keep a lid on your despair and anger, just to get to Friday? I know I do. None of the issues I’m thinking about, in and of themselves, are problematic individually. It’s just that the sum total of the 1000 grievances and 100 actions not taken start to add up to an occluded life – where you are hemmed and hawed in, until you find yourself struggling in a straitjacket and call yourself free. Meanwhile, those small voices are still in your head, and you only wish they were sticks of dynamite so they could go off, laying waste to all the complexities and

Continue readingThe things we don’t say

I was going to write something profound here this evening, but the more I think about it, the less profound I really want to be. Profound thought requires… well, thought. It requires an analytical mind and frankly, I’m tired of thinking about things all the time. I’m tired of analyzing every minute detail of every little thing and never coming closer to an answer. But in order to retain my sanity, and in turn, my grasp on reality, I have to be this way… but I’m tired. I don’t really feel like my brain can keep coming up with new “workarounds” for my various problems, and I’m feeling like the butt of a huge cosmic joke. It’s kind of like God, in his wisdom (or lack thereof), decided, “You know, I need to come up with a human that will be miserable for his entire existance.” And poof. Here I am. Fuck. Who needs a drink now?

Some years ago, a good friend of mine asked me, “Why, if you’re so smart, are you so stupid?” I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to his question. “What do you mean?” “Well, here’s the thing. You like pain. It’s like you’re constantly standing on the railroad tracks, you see the freight train barreling down on you, and what do you do? You stay there and watch it mow you down. You see it, but you don’t ever do anything to avoid it.” I was kind of dumbfounded by his insight to the way that I live. At the time, I shrugged it off and didn’t think much of it. A few years later, he died and I randomly remembered that conversation for no particular reason. As I’d gotten a bit older, I began to recognize some of those self-destructive behaviours that I have. I see now what Rob was trying to tell me. He knew me all to well, and knew what kind of person I was. I have a great deal of insight in to the world, I see the problems developing and I see the ways to fix them, but instead, I stand there and allow

Continue readingThe oncoming train

… that’s right ladies and germs, I am on vacation. I will be gone and unavailable until September the 11th. Not doing a lot, but that’s the point. I just want to ignore the fact that the world exists. Enjoy the rat race, I’ll be rejoining it soon enough.

I was in the store the other day, and I noticed the women on the covers of the magazines. I couldn’t help but laugh at the supposed beauty staring back at me from the covers. As a general rule, I can’t find them attractive. Or more accurately, I can’t find them to be the uber hot women that we are lead to believe. I’ve known (and currently know) people that could easily take the place of most of the models on those magazines. It’s only a matter of lighting, digital effects, and expensive clothes, really. I mean honestly. When I  made a pseudo living as a photographer way back in the day, I saw some of those ‘models’ when they first got up in the morning, and by God, some were pretty hideous. Without the three pounds of makeup, expensive clothes, special lighting, and digital changes, it’s really hard to see what exactly some of these people are really thinking. I just don’t get how they can be seen as beautiful. As I write this, it occurs to me that in my lifetime, I’ve never wanted to break up with a woman because she wasn’t pretty enough. This becomes important

Continue readingThe lies of skin deep

I was walking toward the bus stop this evening, coming home from work. I work downtown, so it’s not unusual to run in to people from work or from the various offices and businesses nearby that I frequent. So… do you ever have that connection with someone where you wished that you had said something to them? And I don’t mean in a romantic capacity or anything like that. I mean, in a “Now it’s going to bother the hell out of me” way. I’ll explain. As I was walking home, this girl walking toward me, probably mid-twenties, looks at me. And stares. And keeps staring. Now, she’s not looking at me in a “I want to jump your bones” kind of way. She was staring at me in a “You look like my dead brother” kind of way. I walk past, trying my hardest to look like I’m doing something important on my cell phone. I casually glance back as I’m rounding the corner on Madison street, and she’s still watching me as I go. Standing there. Seriously. If she’s someone from my past, I have no idea who she was. Her face wasn’t familiar, and I’m at the

Continue readingThose missed connections

Sooooo… I have very strange friends. That’s all I’m going to say. Here’s an e-mail that I received from one of them this morning. Allow me to warn you that him and I used to get in to trouble a LOT when we were teenagers. There were many nights that we were chased by the police through various backyards and side streets. You need to bear that in mind with his reaction to this situation. Here’s the e-mail, quoted in the relevant spot: I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car… and you know how you just feel sooo stressed and suddenly life seems to get funny on you? Well, I could NOT believe it… he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!” So, I look down at him and say, “Well, which one are you then?” THAT’S when the fight started… So I honestly don’t know if my friend was in jail and wrote this from his iPhone or what, but I find the image of my friend (six feet tall, pushing 250lbs)

Continue readingNo officer, the little person started it