Sky Tied

The subject line of this post is from a song called, “What If” by Floater. Whenever I hear it (and I do listen to it a lot), I’m always reminded of the time that I spent hitchhiking across the country. Honestly, when I get all old and wrinkled, I would like to be the old man out on the highway, hoping for the next ride from some kind stranger. In a lot of ways, I’ve spent most of my life wandering and looking. Looking for what, I have no real idea. I guess that’s why I’m still unsatisfied and still searching for that next great high. I don’t suppose the search ever really ends, and honestly, I’m not sure I’d ever want it to. Despite what a lot of people will tell you, I didn’t ever feel threatened when I was hitchhiking. Certainly some of the drivers were a little stranger than others, but that’s a given in almost any situation. I loved the nights at 2am when a random stranger would pick me up, and quite literally tell me their entire life story. It was fascinating some of the things people will talk about in the company of a

Continue readingThere’s an old man out on the highway, and in his face a thousand futures all laid out

I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of Fry’s Electronics yesterday. I was getting a CD in the player, and organizing some of the stuff in the console and things like that. I glanced up to see a couple walking out of the McDonald’s fifty or so feet in front of me. Along with them, there was a little girl, probably about five or six years old. I could see that the parents looked… well, they looked like they were upset, but that wasn’t the impression that I got. There was just something off about the entire exchange. The parents were walking apart in such a way that they didn’t even want to feel the presence of the other. The girl was apparently oblivious to their distance. I think that that is the magic of being a kid, though. Not being aware that your life is being torn apart beneath you. I could tell that the parents had recently divorced, and all I needed to see was the way they walked together. The little girl was trying to hold both of their hands, but they were walking at an awkward enough of a pace together that it

Continue readingI’m off the floor one more time to find you

So I’ve gotta ask anyone that’s reading this (please comment if you have an opinion)… what’s it like to have a mother when you’ve grown up? My mom died when I was 17, and it just bugs the hell out of me how much of my life she has missed. She didn’t see my graduation from high school, or my first “real” job, apartment, house, wife, divorce (heh), or otherwise. There are so many life events that happen in those years, and she was gone from them. I’m not really looking for bad stories from all you folks, I just wish I had some kind of comparison to go by. My dad has been around for everything, and for that I’m grateful. He’s the best dad I’ve ever met, and I mean that. I’m lucky enough that he wasn’t led by example by his father. Some time ago my dad said to me (after his mom, my grandma, almost died), “I don’t know what I’d do without her. I need my mom.” And honestly, I can’t help but feel the same way. I need my mom, and tonight I’m feeling cheated. All I have are memories of her; pictures and

Continue readingWe’re just two lost souls swimmin’ in a fish bowl… year after year…

I suffer from insomnia, and I should really emphasize the word, “suffer”. Most of my life I’ve been a restless sleeper, but these last three or four months have been some of the hardest for me in getting sleep. I used to be okay enough to get a few hours a night. Not enough to feel rested, but enough to function. But not anymore, and I can’t figure out why. The nights just drag on endlessly. I try to read, watch TV, jog, write, exercise, play guitar, and hope that something brings me down far enough to crash. But it never happens. I’m sure my neighbors all think I’m insane at this point.The lights are always on around here, even late at night. And you know, the insomnia wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so boring. And lonely. The rest of the world has fallen asleep, and I’m left to carry on for another 8 or 9 hours alone. It’s not horrible, but it just seems to emphasize the silence and the misery of being the last one standing. Sigh. I’ve only managed about 15 hours of sleep this month. 15. In 9 days. I don’t think that this

Continue readingSqueaky swings and tall grass, the longest shadows ever cast

Interestingly enough, the phone interview went pretty well today. For those too lazy to read my my blog entry below, I was interviewing for a job working with computers in Iraq on a military base. Awesome pay, and the promise of possible death. WOO. Anyway, it went well enough that HR for the company has asked me for an in-person interview (within 20 minutes of the phone interview, no less). I’m excited. I’m not completely sure that I’ll take the job if I get it, but it’s good experience to interview regardless. Brush up on those resume skills and what not. I have to say, the prospect of working in Iraq does appeal to me, and I know that the prospect doesn’t really appeal to anyone else in my family. I found out that the reason the job is open is because, unfortunately, the contractor that held the job previously died. And pretty much the way you guessed it, he was caught in a crossfire. Now, I’ve said this before: I’m not afraid of death. I’m a little concerned about how much pain I’ll be in previous to dying, but other than that… not worried. Getting shot doesn’t sound so

Continue readingThe high never outweighs the low

It occurred to me that I forgot to mention some interesting news in my last post (oh, about an hour or two ago). I received a call at about 7 o’clock tonight from a place called “General Dynamics”, about my resume. I haven’t applied to any jobs in the last year or so, so I’m not entirely sure how they got it (probably online or something), but the job is interesting to say the least. I can’t sleep tonight, and I’m thinking it’s either because the prospect of this job is exciting, or that I’m terrified that I’m seriously considering it. Let me preface this with the fact that the pay is insanely good (well past six figures), and is related to the type of stuff I’m doing now (system administration, programming, etc.). There’s a catch. Always a catch, right? The job is in Iraq. I’d be working as a civilian contractor on a military base in that big sandbox in the East. Now, the prospect of being in a slightly unstable political environment doesn’t exactly scare me. In fact, the prospect of dying doesn’t (and hasn’t ever) really scared me either. I know that it sounds kind of weird,

Continue readingStay close to me while the sky is falling

Happy New Year! For better or for worse, 2008 is now gone and we are left timidly venturing in to 2009. I spent my last night of ’08 on stage, screaming the countdown to the new year with a glass of vodka in one hand, and my bass in the other. I don’t think that I would have wanted to spend it any other way, or with better people. My band members, Steff, Criss, and our (now leaving) drummer Eric, were on stage to bring it all home. Out in the crowd included my father, my friend Trina and her family and daughters, my best friend from high school Eric and his wife Andrea. It was fantastic, and I absolutely loved the night that I had. Today I got up without much effort, even though I seem to remember drinking directly from a wine bottle toward the end of the night. It’s kind of fuzzy. Anyway, I went out to breakfast with my dad this morning, and he ended up going home right around six o’clock this evening. I decided that, if I’m going to start with a new year, my house and my mind and my body should have

Continue readingThere’s beauty in that sunrise in the sky