I’m not sure I want to (or could) explain what brought up this line of thought, but I must write about it, even just to get it out. Do you ever have those days when you honestly feel that the people in your life deserve someone better than you? And not just your significant other or your boyfriend/girlfriend, but your friends and family and the people that you interact with? I had one of those days today. It doesn’t happen often, as I’m usually pretty good at seeing the value of the things that I do. But today, I felt pretty useless and found it hard not to think that those around me deserved someone other than me in whatever capacity I serve for them. It’s funny when you go through an entire day considering the repercussions of not existing and of having never become a part of someone else’s life. It has nothing to do with being depressed or feeling down, I’m just having one of those days where nothing seems to be enough, or nothing is quite as perfect as I’d like it to be. I have a pretty high opinion of the people that I surround myself

Continue readingSomebody told me this is the place, where everything is better, and everything is safe

There’s something sickening and comforting about going back to your home town. That’s what I did today. Twice. In fact, I got back to my house about ten minutes ago. I’ve been home long enough to drop my keys, my wallet, and my clothes near the table in the kitchen, walk to my office, check for any messages (none), and sit down to write a blog entry. In the span of the day today, I’ve driven a total of six hours. Admittedly, that’s not too bad, but I had band practice in the middle of all that driving; along with hauling the necessary equipment, organizing things, and moving boxes and stacking and everything in between. It’s been an eventful day, to say the least. Tomorrow I’m sure I have meeting after sordid meeting scheduled out, and my birthday is this wednesday. I can’t say that I have anything planned because, well, it’s just a birthday. I am giving blood that day, and I suppose that that is something. Knowing that my life, if nothing else, has meant that much is good enough for me. My blood has saved others, even if I’ve done nothing else. I don’t really have anything

Continue readingAnd when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreaming, because when you stop dreaming it’s time to die

Just before you get on Hawthorne bridge, there’s an older gentleman sitting at the corner of a fairly busy section of the road. He’s a pan handler, but in many ways, he’s not. He always has his trumpet with him, and he’s always playing. Or he has one of those balls that extends outward when you pull from each side. Something. The thing is, you always see him smiling. This is his job, he doesn’t seem to consider the lucrative and possibly even more profitable aspects of holding up a sign or playing on the sympathies of others. This man, regardless if he lives on the street or in a nice apartment, has chosen to make thousands upon thousands of people smile each and every day. I may not have money on me every time I see him, but I do give him some if I have the chance. He’s always smiling, and even as you drive past, he doesn’t seem phased. He just seems to be the opitomy of optimism and hope, and I love that you can find individuals like that in this city. They may not be the majority, but they exist. In a world of frowns

Continue readingMaybe some day we will meet, and maybe talk, and not just speak

I found some old pictures today. I was going through a box in my garage and found an entire plastic tub full. I hadn’t seen most of them since they had been developed. Some were from shortly after getting married, and others were from business trips and places that I’d gone to be by myself. It was interesting seeing all the changes that I went through in just a few short years. I’d lose a lot of weight, gain a lot, my hair would change, piercings would show up and disappear. It struck me just how much I’ve reinvented myself and in how many different ways. I can’t imagine what I’ll think when I look back in another 5 or so years. I’m sure I’ll be just as awe struck at how great I look now as I do  about the pictures from a few years ago. Isn’t it funny how that works? We can’t seem to accept ourselves in the present, always seeing the flaws and the issues, but we can look back and think, “Man! I looked awesome.” On that note, here are some pictures from about 5 to 7 years ago. Enjoy.

She said that she’s worried about me; that I seem like I’m sad in my life. In many ways, I suppose I can see that. I do write a great deal of poetry and observations on my blog that, at first glance, would appear depressed and sad. I consider myself to be a fairly balanced person. Someone who can roll with the punches, as it were, and work through the problems that I’m faced with. I’ve seen a lot of sadness in my life, but that doesn’t make me special. Perhaps a bit more haunted than most, but not necessarily sad. I explained that I’m usually not sad, and it’s because of the writing I do, and not in spite of it. It’s a release, a way to send all that negative thought out and away. A way to take the load of the world, and place it squarely on pen and paper. Even still… I was touched that she cared about me. It’s wonderful having people in my life that care about how I’m doing.

One day a man decided that he had had it, he was done, finished. He made up his mind, made up his soul, prepared his body, and walked to the Golden Gate bridge to take his last look around. The officials on the bridge are good at spotting jumpers. They all have a certain look to their walk, with just a bit of determination, but also a bit of consideration for everything around them. After all, it would be the last time they’d see anything ever again. This man was no different. They spotted him, watched him, and dispatched the EMT’s as soon as he went for the railing. Mid-flight, and on his way down to a million broken pieces, he realized that all of his problems could have been solved… except for the fact that he’d just jumped from the bridge. In the end, he did end up surviving the fall, but I often wonder how many people have that same realization just before bouncing off this mortal coil. It seems to me that we all go through a sort of mental checklist when we’re close to death. I know I have. Even in the split second after a

Continue readingWhen you know you’re not invited, and they’re happy when you leave, you wonder if you’ve taken your fill

We had “Influencing with Assertiveness” training today at work (as part of a LONG friggin’ meeting). It’s interesting to find that, in my personal life and with my family and friends, I tend to be pretty outspoken, honest, and fairly aggressive. At work? Not so much. I tend to be passive and let people do their own thing. This is something I have to work on to be more effective at my job. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. No no, I wanted to talk about what happened after training. You see, they handed out these plastic binders, heavy ones, that had all of the information that we learned during the course. We were to go home and look at them and learn and all that. I rode my bus home, listening to a child scream and yell incessantly for 45 minutes all the way. To say the least, I was ready to be done with my day. Especially since I’d been in a meeting for almost nine hours, and I was entirely exhausted by then. As I got off the bus and it drove past me, I walked to the crosswalk and start crossing the road.

Continue readingIt’s a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown, It’s a silly time to learn to swim on the way down

Stop. Breathe in. Exhale. Now, I want you to think about something for a second. I want you to think about a piece of clothing in your closet that, to you, is your comfort. I mean, that one piece of clothing that, as you look at it you think, “Man, I love wearing that thing!” and you put it on and you sit around the house and don’t give a crap what anybody thinks about it or how it looks. Do you have it in your mind? That old ratty t-shirt? That beat up pair of jeans? That soft sweater? Okay. Good. Imagine it for a second. Now, why is it your “comfort”? I’m willing to bet that it’s not because of the way it fits (or doesn’t fit) on you. It’s probably not because of the way the cloth feels on you. I’ll take a bet it’s because of the way it makes you feel. It may be a shirt from an old lover and, if for even a moment, you swear you can smell them on it again. Or maybe it’s a pair of shorts that have survived ten summers, and you can’t help but smile every time

Continue readingYou burned like a rocket from the womb to the world, and you ignited everything like a gasoline rain

Ahh, so it’s snowing again. Not nearly as bad this time, but there it is, the white crystalized water that I’ve come to dread in my old age. I don’t suppose I’ll ever enjoy it the same way I used to, now that I’ve actually had to deal with it.  And in a way, I feel like one more little nugget of innocence from youth has been destroyed. Or maybe I’ve just become cynical. Who knows? But you know what? I’m not worrying about it. Today, I’m choosing to enjoy the snow, believe it or not. I’m sitting in front of the fireplace, I’m reading a good book, and I have a bowl of chili and some french bread. I have some great music playing in the background, it’s Sunday, and I’ve got nothing to do. For the moment, life is grand.