Every day that I come in to work, there’s a sign next to the Hawthorne bridge that says, “Breathe”. It’s hand painted, and up on a post that I’m sure someone put together with parts from an old abused basketball hoop. I read that same sign each day and, for a moment, ponder it. I always come to the same conclusion: the author, whoever they are, is fairly profound. Think about it. It’s sound advice, as it’s one of the few actions we all do for the entire duration of our lives. In some situations, it’s the only thing we can do. Isn’t that the first advice your mom always gave you when you were young and upset or crying? “Relax. Take a deep breath. It’ll be okay…” If the sky was falling all around me, and I was sure that I was going to die; I’d like to think that I would pause and enjoy that final breath. I would breathe, however poorly, for it would be all that I could do. What I find even more amazing and symbolic is giving breath to a dying person through CPR. I’ve had to give CPR on a few occasions in

Continue readingWhen I was just a baby, my momma told me, “Son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with guns.” But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die…

Huh. It has occurred to me in the last couple of weeks that I have writer’s block. I’ve written plenty, sure, but nothing I would consider to be a breakthrough, or interesting. Nothing that I would consider to be worth anything. I’ve scribbled down a handful of poems tonight, and I just as quickly threw them all away. My friend, Trina, asked me why I was in a funk today. Interestingly enough, I didn’t have much of an answer for her… but I was. I am. And the thing is, everything in my life, with the exception of a few small things at work, are fine. I think what may be concerning me is the fact that my life has been quiet lately. I’m used to the chaos; I’m confident in the chaos of my life. When things get quiet, it’s eerie. It’s frightening. Unknown territory. I’ve also started having doubts in certain parts of my life. Doubts of being good enough, or smart enough, or… just enough. I’ve never really had this issue before. I’ve never doubted myself, and in fact, have always considered myself to be a decently confident person. What has changed so drastically that I’m now

Continue reading… And it’s one more night in Hollywood… If you think that I can be forgiven… I wish you would.

Earlier today I found out that I will be getting my incentive bonus. The company posted a loss for the year because of some accounting realizations that I’m not going to go in to because, well, it’s none of your business. So the good news is, I still have a job. I’m getting an incentive bonus even if it’s still just the minimum (5% of my annual salary). I was hoping for the maximum benefit, which would have been 15% of my annual salary. I know that that hope was probably unrealistic based on the way the economy has gone. But, alas, I tend to be unrealistic sometimes. I will be satisfied with my 5%. I suppose the question then becomes, what to do with my bonus? It’s still a pretty hefty chunk of money. In fact, it’s probably enough to pay off my car. As tempting as that prospect is, one of the reasons I bought my car was to improve my credit rating. My credit was bruised and battered for a few years because of, well, because I trusted the wrong people. We’ll just leave it at that. So making a payment (and a hefty one at that)

Continue readingAnd it goes so fast, like a bomb blast, the conviction of the righteous is gone

A very good friend of mine has insisted that, in the midst of my insomnia laden evenings, I should consider working on my novel.  I’ve spoken with her on several occasions about writing this particular novel. It has been on my mind for years, and I’m feeling a need to either get started on it or let the idea go. My book of poetry is complete; I know that I can complete a project if I put my mind to it. Why haven’t I? This evening, I read through the rough draft outline that I wrote two years ago. It was sixty pages long and, to tell you the truth, I was sad to see that I’d just let it go and done nothing with it. How sad that we take our dreams and we compartmentalize them in a way that they never come to fruition. In some respects, it’s a necessity. We live and we grow older and we realize that some of our perceptions on life and the ways we intended to live it were wrong. We abandon one dream and create another. We work toward one thing while leaving another behind. That’s the way life is supposed

Continue readingSo I walk upon high, and I step to the edge to see my world below, and I laughed at myself while the tears rolled down

Today, as our annual review time is coming up at work, I began to think about a favorite quote of mine. You see, for our review, we’re required to write up all of our accomplishments for the previous year and present them to our supervisor. I have a relatively short list of accomplishments because a great many of them have required a large amount of time to complete. But most importantly, my job has required of me a very vast number of skills. It has been necessary to be able to work with a great number of people with extremely varied backgrounds, specializations, and to get them all to work in some kind of cohesive mix on each project. And each time I write down a new project that I’ve worked on or had to be involved with, I think of the following quote: A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a

Continue readingYou’ve dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind

I have a love/hate relationship with my writing. There are times when I can’t stand not writing, and then there are weeks or months where I won’t even bother to pick up a pen and come up with something. This has been one of those weeks. Not because I had nothing to say, but because it wasn’t the right time to say it. My thoughts sometimes need a few days to ferment, and to come to fruition. If I force that, I end up with bad writing and something I simply wish I never wrote. That being said, this last weekend Alison and I went to Seattle. We saw my favorite band, Floater, on Friday night. Of course they played an excellent show, and as is par for the course, I drank a little too much and poor Alison had to help me find the hotel later. I’m sure I could have found it, but it was nice having a sober person there. Ha! I remember asking her if she’d like to skip with me back to the hotel, and she declined. I was bummed. In fact, tonight as we were getting dye to change my hair color I offered

Continue reading…And some people change, others hang on until they can’t anymore…

It may just be the alcohol talking, but you’ll have to bear with me. I have a tendency to over think things, and when I’m drunk, my mind tends to wander much further than I usually allow it. I tend to keep it on a tight leash, otherwise. But occasionally, I give it free reign (scary, huh?). In quantum physics, and more specifically, quantum theory, we have equations that explain the existance of certain phenomenon and effects. We have equations that describe the movement of time, paradoxes, and the way that matter may simultaneously exist in two different states at the same time. The big bang theory explains the creation of the universe, and more to the point, the things that happened immediately after. There was an explosion of unimaginable power, and we suddenly had matter and anti-matter scattered for light years in every direction. In that instant, time and space and all the forces that make everything work properly in our reality had sprung in to action. But why? I know that that is the eternal question. It is such a basic and fundamental thing to say, “Why?”, that we all learned to do so almost as soon as

Continue readingAnd the days were long and the nights were bad… Time erased the dreams we had

You’ll have to excuse me, as I’m a little drunk as I post this. Yes, me. Drunk. I ran across this great quote today, and I couldn’t help but think, “Hey, that pretty much describes my working day.” Ready? “Auditors are the people who come in after the war has been lost and bayonet the wounded.” Yes! Don’t deny it. It’s true.

The most thrilling things we experience are often the most dangerous, or at least, the most terrifying. We need not risk life and limb to have a need for courage. Life is full of situations where we risk something much greater than our lives. We risk living with a mistake, and that, as far as I’m concerned, can be much more humbling than something as simple as death. As Tom Robbins said in, Another Roadside Attraction: Courage? You risked your life, but what else have you ever risked? Have you ever risked disapproval? Have you ever risked a belief? There’s nothing particularly courageous in risking one’s life. So you lose it. You go to your hero’s heaven and everything is milk and honey til the end of time, right? You get your reward and suffer no earthly consequences. That’s not courage. Real courage is risking something you have to keep on living with. Real courage is risking something that might force you to rethink your thoughts, and suffer change, and stretch consciousness. Real courage is risking one’s cliches.  Love is a lot like that. It takes courage, resiliance, and sometimes, it just isn’t very pretty. In the film, Look Back

Continue readingOne thing I know by now is that in the end, you can never swim in the same river twice