Reality is an unstoppable force which gnaws away every molecule of muscle attached to our bones. It consumes everything in its path. Only those who can perceive a reality greater than what they live will suffer; most people, apathetic, realize contentment in underachieving, never comprehending the extent of their capabilities and never knowing they’re being slowly eaten. Eventually, nothing is left and we all die. For some, the torture of unrealized greatness exceeds their capacity to live; Picasso and Poe come to mind. They were defective by choice. They chose not to see the obvious wider understanding that reality, although inexorable, is manageable. Limits are subjective. I can’t tell you shit from the keyboard; no statement will provide comfort from across this distance and the voids that we all tread. This is a lesson that cannot be learned but from experience. My experience, although the polar opposite from yours, the reader, in quantitative values, is similar in the underlying circumstances. Some of us just don’t fit. Having chosen (consciously or no) to conform or not, we, by choosing not to decide, decide a path of self-justification. I tell you, the real choice is the act of empowering us to prosecute

Continue readingThere’s a woman in the balcony weeping, licking her lips at the fall

At 9:00am yesterday morning, I received a call from my father. He said, “I need you to take me to the ER.” It’s a nightmare scenario that, with very few exceptions, we all must face. Some of us may go through it several times. To say that I’m experienced with personal and family crisis is a bit of an understatement. I won’t go in to my “credentials” as they are, but let’s say I’ve had way more than my fair share of driving those that I love (at terrifying speeds) to the hospital while bleeding, passed out, or otherwise. 7 years ago was the last time I’d been in a hospital. I was there to visit my grandmother who we thought was dying of Leukemia. She is in remission now, but it was dicey there for several months, and we almost lost her a couple of times. Prior to 7 years ago, the last hospital I was in was OHSU, and that was to see my mother through a difficult surgery for cancer (which subsequently killed her). Walking in to the ER yesterday was like a punch to the gut. It was as if I was experiencing my worst nightmare

Continue readingAnd what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

As I’m sure many of you may have noticed, I have an interest in human behavior, and more specifically, in the things that we do and have no idea why. For instance, I had a person sneeze in the cubicle right next to mine a few moments ago, and my kneejerk response was to say, “Bless you!”. I’m not religious. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in the soul, or that it’s trying to escape; I have no illusions that a demon has inhabited this person and is now escaping. And yet, I feel obligated and rude if I don’t acknowledge the fact that this person has sneezed. Why? We’ve all heard the stories and beliefs, the superstitions and ideas behind why people say, “Bless you” after a sneeze. But do you know the real reason for it? Do you know what the original reason was? No? Don’t feel bad. Nobody else does, either. In fact, we have no explanation for it. At all. There has been mention of the practice as far back as 77 AD by Pliny the Elder in “Natural History”. Sadly enough, he doesn’t say why either; He only mentions that Tiberius Caesar himself even

Continue readingAnd I wonder where these dreams go when the world gets in your way, what’s the point in all this screaming? No one is listening anyway.

I went hitchhiking a few years back. No destination in mind, no timeframe, no responsibilities. I just left and didn’t come back. And while it was good for me, and I think of that time affectionately now, it was also an extremely difficult time. There were many times that I would walk endlessly, for days, and I went without food for just as long. It wasn’t that I couldn’t find a place to eat. There were any number of soup kitchens and shelters I could have stopped at; but I never really felt like I was needy enough. I had chosen this particular path, and there were people there that really needed that help. I couldn’t justify using a service designed for people that couldn’t avoid their predicament. Not to say I didn’t eat at these places, but it was usually only after going hungry for three or four days. But that’s besides the point. I recently went through the old duffel bag that travelled with me during those times, and in it, a bunch of wrinkled, worn, dirty, rain soaked pages of writing. Each page smelled distinctly like the road and country. It was like each one was a

Continue readingSo you’re driving and it’s rush hour, the cars on the freeway are moving like slugs… when you drift off to wake up, do you always hit the brakes?

One of the smartest men I’ve ever known is my step-father. He taught me a great many things, but recently I’ve been thinking about a few small but important lessons he tried to teach me when, of all things, I was learning to drive. I’ve realized that I remember, vividly, two instructions that he gave me and that they’ve become instructions in the operating manual of my life. The first and most important thing he ever told me was, “Always be on the look out for a place to ditch.” Of course, he meant that as it applied to driving, but it obviously took on a different dimension for me. When driving, and when living, I’m always on the lookout for a place that I can pull off if I’m having trouble.  I’m always on the lookout for those places that I can stop and catch my breath, or get out of harm’s way. And, if things go really bad, I’m always looking for the best place that I can ditch everything, crash and burn, and cause the least amount of damage in the process. It makes starting up and getting back out there just a little bit easier later.

Continue readingCome on baby now throw me a right to the chin, don’t just stare like you never cared

I sometimes worry that I get along with people too easily. I know that that sounds like a strange thing to worry about, but I do. When you get along with everybody, does that mean that you’re just very likeable, and that you present your ideas and who you are in a good way? Or does that mean that you you’re doing nothing to present yourself at all? Are you just buckling and molding yourself in such a way that you seem like you’re always agreeing with everyone, even when you don’t? I’ve stated many times, and firmly believe, that a person should have a strong character. I don’t mean that they should get in to fights or arguments all the time. I don’t think that people should always throw their opinion out there, especially when it’s not the time to do so or it’s not warranted. But I do believe people should stand up for the things that truly matter to them. I think people should stand against the things they firmly have a problem with. After all, it is said that for evil to succeed, good only needs to do nothing. Getting back to the original point, though,

Continue readingThere is a girl that finds it hard to stop laying down and giving, there are some rules but no one knows just where we left them

Speaking of the past (see my previous post), just recently I was thinking about my stage presence when I play with my band. A year or so ago, I could never really move to the music. I would stand as still as a statue (regardless of the amount of drink I’d had), and very rarely smiled. I looked like I hated playing live. Which wasn’t true, but there was always a struggle going on inside of me with how I should react to some of the songs. You see, Criss (our lead singer) and I have always kind of just sat down and worked out how the song would sound. Sometimes Criss would come to the band and we’d all attempt to play a song together. But the thing is, as I wrote a bass line or figured out the parts I would sing with, I would start to put a part of myself in to the song. In a way, it would become a part of me. Later on and each time we’d play a song, I’d find myself thinking about how it was made and who in my life at the time influenced the way it sounded or

Continue readingDon’t buy the promises cause there are no promises I keep. And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.

I’m still feeling like I’m not good enough for my own life. I’m feeling insecure in my relationships and in my job and in the decisions that I make from day to day. The problem is, it’s easy to pinpoint when I started feeling inadequate and insecure. I’ve been pretty confident my whole life, and only recently have I been feeling like this. Even more troubling, it’s easy to point at the people and the events that have caused me doubt and say, “See? It’s their fault.” While they may have been the catalyst and reason for upset in the past, I’ve allowed myself to be victimized. Whether or not I’m doing it consciously, I’m giving control of how I feel now, to the past. I know I should retain the lessons that I’ve learned, but I shouldn’t punish myself for them. With all that being said, it’s much easier to recognize an issue than to fix it… but at least I’m trying. So many people go through their life and are not self-aware, and one thing I’ve worked very hard at is being aware of who I am and what I want to be. I believe strongly that no

Continue readingSometimes in our lives we meet an angel, but don’t realize until they’ve found their way home

Yesterday was the sixth time I’ve been stuck in an elevator. Six. Times. It hardly seems fair. That’s six times in three different companies, and I hate the fact that my elevator luck has bled over to where I work now. This time wasn’t that bad; I was in there for all of ten minutes or so, and the lights came back on when it started moving again. Needless to say, though, it was pretty familiar territory. It’s hard to freak out when you’ve been stuck like that several times before. When the elevator stopped and the lights went off, I simply let out a sigh, sat down, and waited (while texting my girlfriend on my cell phone). If it wasn’t such an inconvenience, I probably would have laughed. Some days it’s nice to know that we’re never really beyond the ridiculous stuff that has already happened to us. Sometimes we’re just on a temporary reprieve.