I’m living in existential angst. I have a heightened awareness of the things going on around me and, I’m sad to say, I’m miserable for it. I kind of wish I knew what is wrong with me these days. I can’t seem to break out of this funk, this fear, and this paranoid cycle. Every time  I’m able to rationalize away my concerns, they some how come back stronger and more prominent in my mind. Is this what it’s like to go crazy? Or at least, is this what it’s like to drive yourself crazy? I’m not sure what I can do at this point. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to face my fears, head on, damn the consequences or the terror that comes with it. But how do I go about facing a fear that has no form, no face, and no way for confrontation? Sigh. I’m trying to be the best that I can. I really am. But I’m falling short again and again, and I don’t feel like there’s much of an end in sight to the way that I’m feeling. I know there’s a solution to all of this. I know there’s got to be some

Continue readingOne day you’ll decompose and those birds are singing… yeah, those birds are singing.

To add to my previous post about my annual review, I wanted to comment on something that my supervisor said to me. She said that there was a perception from people at work that I’d lost my “spark”. I won’t elaborate upon that point much, other than to say that I’m simultaneously hurt and unsurprised. I can see why someone would have said that about me, and at the same time, I wish that people would try to see the many many things that I do behind the scenes. I’m not a glory mongerer. I don’t jump out there as wildly and loudly as possible and scream, “Look at me! Look at me! I do this and that!”. I don’t steal ideas from others and pass them off as my own. And in that respect, because I do most of my work behind the scenes, it would seem that I’m uninterested in a lot of my work. And while I’m very tired of some of my many projects, I still do an insurmountable amount of work in a given day. So I can see why a person would think I do not, and that I don’t care, even when it

Continue readingIf I said something to make you mad, I will take it back.

My annual performance review is today. I can’t say that I’m very excited because, honestly, I always feel like I’m not living up to my potential. I always feel like I could be doing more, and I always feel like I could be accomplishing more in less time. Sadly, my review actually reflects this. It paints me as unreliable and uncommunicative to key business partners and folks within our infrastructure. It makes me seem lazy, even though I’ve spent many sleepless nights coding and recoding and testing and working on problems that plague our department. I’ve devoted the last several years to this company, and I guess I just wish that I had been more aware of my problems beforehand. And really, that’s the issue we all face in our own lives. We wish we’d seen the freight train barrelling down on us just a little bit sooner than we did. Even more sad is that, as I write this, I realize I’ve spent a lot of my life working my ass off with little, if anything, to show for it. That’s really the story of my life. I just want to feel like the work that I do matters,

Continue readingI hope to see the sun again, and maybe I will make it in the end

I had a discussion with my uncle Mitch earlier today. We spoke of my mom and how we’ve both been fairing (or not) through these difficult months without her. It’s the same days, every year, that I’m forced to deal with, however poorly: Mother’s day, June 4th (the day she died, June 26th (her birthday), Thanksgiving, and Christmas. He said that in some ways, I had it easier than he did because I was here to watch her go. All he had was the phone calls that he made to her and, in the end, only silence when she was left unconscious by the drugs or pain. And I do agree with him, to a point, that the distance must not have been easy for him. Undoubtably, it was not. But where he thinks my task might have been easier to bear because I was here, he is mistaken. He may not have been able to help his sister through her death, or see her before she died, but being here wasn’t any better. Nothing about her death was cathartic or relieving. There was no joy, no closure, no peace, no singing of the angels or tolling of a bell.

Continue readingYou said If wishes were horses, beggars like me could ride.

I was thinking about baths this morning. I don’t know why. But you’ve got to love sitting in hot water, reading a book, zoning out. A bath isn’t about getting clean, it is about pure luxury, and even if it means eating my knees the whole time, wedged in as low as I can get, it still feels wonderful. It always makes me laugh, how many people say they don’t like baths because they end up feeling dirty, but it is all a matter of perspective. If you aren’t thinking about a bath as getting clean but rather as a pleasant diversion, the criteria by which you evaluate the experience changes. In some ways, that is reflected in a lot of things about modern life. Eating is another prime example; eat to live or live to eat? Depending on how one answers that question, paying $100 for a plate of food becomes a very different decision. What got me off on this train of thought, however, wasn’t the idea of personal choice, but rather evaluating the choices of others. If someone felt like baths were for getting clean, they might consider me crazy for enjoying one. With regard to something

Continue readingIn the middle of the night, there’s an old man treading around in the gathered rain

I believe… … that falling down doesn’t always mean getting up is the only option. … that one should always do right, especially when it hurts. … that I’ll hurt the feelings of others sometimes. … that I should always apologize when I know I’m wrong. … that some things are never meant to be said, even if they’re true. … that it’s easier to be angry than to forgive. … that being angry at someone serves no purpose other than to hurt yourself. … that some things will never change. … that some people never change, either. … that eventually, the sun will always rise. … that it’s okay not to care sometimes. … that you don’t have to be perfect all the time. … that you can only slam the door so many times before it’s stuck there. … that there just aren’t words for what you want to say. … that living in the past can be painful and damaging. … that those that you love the most are the only ones that can truly hurt you. … that sometimes all you can do is push all your chips in and lay your cards on the table.

Continue readingThe billionaires and generals all know, that we’ll be buried under the dead land they sold us…

While driving around downtown yesterday, I almost ran over a street rat. The little guy hopped off the curb, and ran across a busy four lane road. I stopped to let it pass. Yes, I’m serious. I stopped so that a street rat may live downtown. I was surprised, though, that when I stopped to let him go across, other people were trying their hardest to run him over. He had to dart under the wheels of a couple of cars that had swerved in an effort to catch him under their wheels. He made it to the other side, and waddled down an alley out of sight. I couldn’t help but smile and keep on driving. But that got me to thinking: Why did everyone try and kill him? Doesn’t that say a lot for how we value life? If it had been a cat, people would have been stopping and/or swerving all over the road in an effort to avoid killing it. But why not stop for a rat? As far as intelligence goes, rats are comparable to a cat. Take it a step further, and we can see that they’re both furry, can be kept as pets,

Continue readingAnd he sees again, just what the world is made of. He keeps firing, repeating “God is love”…

I spent today reading through some old journal entries that I’ve archived over the last fifteen years. It was all so depressing. I was amazed at how often I spoke about wishing to die, and wanting to disappear. I can’t imagine having that mentality now, but I was apparently very ready to be done with my life when I was 22. Here’s an excerpt I ran across this afternoon, from December 14th, 2004: It’s impressive to me how angry people in my life can make me. How difficult it is to ignore those impulses to simply tell everyone in my life to go fuck themselves, so I can just stop worrying if the next thing that comes out of their mouth is going to be something to hurt me. What a horrible feeling to always be terrified that someone is going to break your heart. You can allow people just close enough to get a taste of it, but you shove them away as if they were poison the moment you really start to feel threatened. You shut down. Close off, and don’t talk. I did that today, and didn’t even realize it until I hung up the phone. I

Continue readingAnd we don’t even care to shed these zipper blues. And we don’t know, just where our bones will rest to dust.

Mother’s day is a little less than a week away now. I complain about it every year because, well, I don’t have a mom. She was taken from me. It makes me sad every time I think about it, even though it will have been ten years this June. I don’t think it’ll ever get easier; I think it’ll only continue to be more and more bearable. And that’s okay. Loss is supposed to be difficult, and losing someone as important as your mother is an important event. It’s not something that one should be able to just shrug off. I was 17 when she died of colon cancer. I was resentful of God or fate or life for taking her from me. I knew I was being cheated out of knowing my mom as a friend, and not just a parent. We’d just bridged that gap a year or two prior to her dying, and I would have liked to have found a little bit more of who I was, within her. More importantly, though, I wanted closure on a few things. But before we discuss that, let’s start from the beginning, shall we? My mom was born on

Continue readingNight after night the same decisions; go drive, give in, it’s all the same to me now.