Isn’t it amazing that a little piece of music can force you to remember a part of your life, almost as if the two are linked? I’m sitting here listening to the song “Name” by The Goo Goo Dolls, and wondering about my friend Heather from many years ago. It’s late, pushing 1am, and I keep having visions and thoughts about her that won’t go away. It’s simultaneously heartbreaking and comforting. Funny how much has changed in the last three or four years. She had an amazing effect on my life, and that’s something I’ll never forget. I read a poem she wrote about me, called “An Ode to Andy”, and have to laugh a little… it all still applies. All of it. Even almost 7 years later. Sigh. She’s gone now, or I’m gone, or whatever you want to call it. I’m not sure anymore. It all seems pointless now, anyway. I had a rough day today. I won’t go in to details, but it was just… incredibly hard, and I’m feeling very alone and more lost than usual. I wish I could sleep, but sometimes we just can’t have what we want the most.

Because of some current events in my life, I’ve had a few people ask me what my beliefs are. The usual suspects include, “Do you believe in God?”, “Do you believe in prayer?”, etc. I do not. I have not. I will not. I don’t have a problem with someone believing in something that provides them with comfort, but the false belief in something that does not exist does not provide me with any comfort. In fact, there are a great many things that people tend to take for granted in their beliefs, that I simply refuse to believe or give any credit to. I don’t believe in superstition, luck, ghosts, spirits, souls, that everything will work out, the afterlife, or anything in between. Quite literally, if it’s anything beyond what you can feel, see, and touch, I refuse to have any belief in it. My life, as it is, is complicated enough to try and understand without adding anything additional. Life is what it is, regardless if you believe in some invisible father figure that watches over you.  I also don’t believe in the myth of Jesus Christ, prophets, prophecy, pyschics, and the boogeyman. Does that make me a

Continue readingAcross the Universe

I was given the classic hypothetical situation yesterday: If you were given six months to live, what would you do? The usual responses tend to be that the person would travel, or they would do those little things that they were always too afraid to, etc. etc. It’s interesting, when you think about it. When faced with the prospect of death, people first turn to the things they were always terrified to do. So, what would I do with my remaining days? Honestly? I’ve lived most of my life as if there was no tomorrow. I’ve never held back for fear of repercussions or consequence. I’ve said all that I’ve ever needed to say to those that I love and those that I appreciate in my life. I have no regrets from my past; I’ve lived my life the way that I’ve wanted to, and I wouldn’t change anything. I am who I am as a direct result of my past. I have only three things that I would do, and they’ve been omitted from my life only because I’ve never had the time and the money at the same time. 1.) Skydiving. I’ve always wanted to, never been afraid

Continue readingNo one gets out of here alive

Sigh. There is a long and lonely emptiness here. It’s haunting this house and sitting in the bed next to me. It’s strange what the mind (and more to the point: my mind) does at night when nobody is around. I hear the voices of loved ones saying my name, and I have to momentarily remind myself that there’s no one here. Don’t get me wrong, I can be single and I don’t mind being single. Really, I don’t. I liken it to those first few months after my mom died… every morning, waking up for the first four or five seconds was complete bliss. But reality was always there to remind me soon enough, and I’d be reminded that she isn’t ever coming back. I’m not sad or depressed tonight, just lonely and thinking about getting out of the house… if only I could feel like I can get a full lung of air (see post below). I’m a little overly analytical tonight, too, so maybe I should just shut my mind off somehow. Anybody up for getting insanely drunk with me? That’ll do it.

… you’re having trouble breathing, and instead of doing the right thing (going to the hospital), you decide to sit around a blog about it. Yep, that’s me. Okay, if I honestly thought I was going to pass out or lose consciousness, I would have been at the hospital already, okay? Don’t freak out. That being said, I feel like I can’t get a lung full of air. I’ve never had asthma before, but I kind of imagine that this is what it would feel like. I take a really deep breath, and it feels… weird, at the top of my lungs. I don’t know how to describe the sensation other than unbearably intense tickling sensation somewhere in my chest. Not like I’m going to cough, but just like, “Dear god, if I breath that deep again my chest will cave in” Weird. Maybe I’m just finally losing my mind. That’d be pretty fitting, actually.

There’s nothing quite like a hard day of work, wandering through the maze of beuracracy and corporate politics, development and goals and deadlines, and finding myself home amid the aromatic eminations of fresh cooked cinnamon rolls and dinner in the crock pot. Walking in to my house today, I remembered all those carefree days that I came home from school to find my mom baking in the kitchen. I found myself content and happy; a feeling that I’ve not used to describe my mood in quite some time. I find myself today in a mood that is unbecoming of who I have become; I find myself optimistic and dare I say… not caring what tomorrow brings, so long as I can live in this moment and enjoy it to the absolute fullest.

The silence is horrible. It’s been this way for hours, a day; it seems like years. There used to be noise here. There are memories of conversations that actually took place at this very spot. Beautiful conversations, as well as those more commonly described as smalltalk. Wars have been waged here, peace was found here. Some have said silence is golden. It’s really a situational dependancy. There are times when it is silence that gives enlightenment. There are times when silence brings on madness. I am caught between those two times. Caught, in the silence.

I’m not advocating that every damn thought in my head should come out of my mouth, but I think every person would be much happier and well balanced if they were less afraid to speak their mind. For example, in your personal life, Your significant other frequently does something that annoys the shit out of you. It’s not a big deal, but you notice every time. Do you just accept it? Most people would, and is that because they want to keep the peace? Don’t rock the boat, pick your battles? Another example, do you just keep a lid on your despair and anger, just to get to Friday? I know I do. None of the issues I’m thinking about, in and of themselves, are problematic individually. It’s just that the sum total of the 1000 grievances and 100 actions not taken start to add up to an occluded life – where you are hemmed and hawed in, until you find yourself struggling in a straitjacket and call yourself free. Meanwhile, those small voices are still in your head, and you only wish they were sticks of dynamite so they could go off, laying waste to all the complexities and

Continue readingThe things we don’t say

I was going to write something profound here this evening, but the more I think about it, the less profound I really want to be. Profound thought requires… well, thought. It requires an analytical mind and frankly, I’m tired of thinking about things all the time. I’m tired of analyzing every minute detail of every little thing and never coming closer to an answer. But in order to retain my sanity, and in turn, my grasp on reality, I have to be this way… but I’m tired. I don’t really feel like my brain can keep coming up with new “workarounds” for my various problems, and I’m feeling like the butt of a huge cosmic joke. It’s kind of like God, in his wisdom (or lack thereof), decided, “You know, I need to come up with a human that will be miserable for his entire existance.” And poof. Here I am. Fuck. Who needs a drink now?