Last night I couldn’t sleep, and as I tend to do, I sat by the fire and began writing to pass the time. I pondered over the many choices and directions that brought me to where I am today. I’ve done a lot of things; some good, some bad, some indifferent… but I decided I would write up a list of things I would tell my younger self  (or my son, if I ever have one). In other words, a cheat sheet on living, if you will. Here they are so far. They are not ordered by importance or anything like that. Thoughts? 1.) When you’re cooking that first meal in your apartment, remember that the handle on a cast iron skillet can look cool, even if it’s hot. 2.) The way a girl looks in a tight shirt and/or skirt, is no basis for a relationship. 3.) If you’re confident and knowledgeable, people will always come to you for answers. Feel free to readily admit when you don’t know. 4.) Don’t get married until you’re at least 25. Better yet, 30. 5.) Streaking naked through a mall is hilarious and fun. Just remember a few things when you’re diving

Continue readingIf I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself…

The power at my house has been out for most of the day, and just now came back on. I can’t get any work done (I’m working from home), because the remote connection is hanging up. This morning I sat near my fireplace, a stick of nag champa incense burning, music playing on my D cell cd player, a cup of hot cocoa in one hand, and a book in the other (“A Short History of Nearly Everything” By Bill Bryson). It’s hard not to smile, even if I’m in the dark and my house is cold. My phone has stopped working, since it is connected through my cable modem and the battery in it has died. The incessant ringing of that infernal device has ceased. I sit here in the still and the silence, watching the snow fall, and I’m smiling for no particular reason. I’m snowed in, but I’m not worried. I have nowhere to be. I suppose I’d best save this before my power goes off again. Some days… you’re just happy to be alive.

So. It has begun. The end is nigh. Or something else amazingly dorky and full of rhetoric. I sit here, waiting for my power to go off (AGAIN), and I’m sure I have mere moments. I figured I’d just post a few pictures of my snowy dream and/or nightmare:

Very few people, if any, know what I’m about to write in this blog entry. I’ve kept it near and dear to my heart for several years, and only now do I feel comfortable sharing it. In 2003 or 2004, I spent almost six months (in its entirety), in airplanes, taxis, trains, and hotel rooms. My marriage had subsequently dissolved and I was in the process of getting my first divorce, I had received news that my best friend, Rob, had died in a car accident, and I was having a hard time dealing with it all at once. I was, for lack of a better word, depressed. I was down in the very pit of my soul, and there was nothing that could drag me back out. During the worst of it, in Indianapolis, many sleepless nights were spent out on the balcony of my hotel room, ten stories up, with my feet dangling from the edge and writing about what it would feel like to jump. That all changed midway through the trip. I drove my rental car to the office of a State Farm representative. When I went in, we met, shook hands, and he showed me

Continue readingThere’s always one last light to turn out, one last bell to ring

I just tore the band-aid off my arm that I was kindly provided by the Red Cross… you know, for purposes of keeping the rest of my blood in my body. Holy. Shit. It’s freaking bleeding everywhere! I better not be a hemopheliac all of the sudden. And I’ll be damned if it didn’t pull all of my arm hairs out. God damn…

I gave blood today at work. It’s never easy for me, regardless of the fact that I enjoy being stuck with needles. No, the last several times I’ve given blood, I’ve gotten lightheaded and a tab bit woozy. Not bad, but bad enough that they’d tilt me back in those oversized lawn chairs. I like to think that my blood has helped people. Something that I can create by simply sitting here typing away can save the lives of up to 3 people each time I donate. It’s an amazing thing to think about, and even though the process is a bit of a pain and I still feel dizzy and sick afterward, I will never stop going. As I said in the subject, each drop of my blood is an answered prayer to somebody, somewhere. If you believe the statistics and the hype, I’ve helped to save around 75 people… simply by being stuck with a needle and giving a little bit of myself. Do yourself (and someone else) a favor sometime this month. Give blood.

I have had no less than three friends send me the following image. None of them know each other, or ever speak with each other, and they all said that this picture immediately reminded them of me. I’m not sure if this is a good thing, or a bad thing:  

I’ve lived a good portion of my life within the confines of my head, but lately, I’m having trouble shutting off my brain. I just feel confined, and I don’t like it. It’s past 1am, and I know I’ll be sitting here come 2am or 3. I don’t know what to do but wait for sleep to come. I’ve taken sleep aids and they don’t seem to do anything beyond making my heart race as I lie down for slumber. I haven’t had any real substantial sleep in a week now, and I’m really beginning to worry. I manage an hour here, an hour the next night, and maybe a couple on a given day. It can’t possibly be enough, and I wonder how long it takes for the body to finally give up and crash. Sigh. I’m going to try and lay back down. I’ll probably be back here soon. Tah tah for now.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do to someone you loved? I’m sure there are a great many people that would answer, “Telling them the truth.” or “Lying to them” or something similar. I read a forum that had this exact question, and the great majority of the answers were along those lines. Admittedly, telling the truth is much harder than lying. At least when you’re lying you can pick the truth that they hear. The truth is always the hardest thing to give to someone, especially when the news isn’t what you’d want it to be. I had to think about it for a while on what would have been my most difficult test in love. It ended up having nothing to do with truth or lies or anything in between. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do for someone I loved? Letting them go.

… and I guess that’s why I have such a hard time trying to celebrate it. I don’t have a tree. I don’t have any decorations up. I haven’t bought any presents for anybody, and I feel like a lot of it is just a waste of time and energy. Yeah, I know: Bah humbug, right? Not quite. It’s not that I dislike Christmas, and I don’t have a problem with the people that are jolly and happy and enjoying this time of the season. No, my real problem is much more simple: It doesn’t feel like Christmas to me anymore. I remember when I was a kid, I literally counted down the days to Christmas. And the presents weren’t the important part (though, they were great). I always looked forward to the love and the warmth that I shared with my family and the time that we spent together. But now– well, Christmas has become a different kind of reminder for me. It was the time of the year that was most important to my mom. Where she would bring everybody together and make sure they knew how much she loved them. I always knew she loved me, but

Continue readingFunny, it doesn’t feel like Christmas…