I suffer from insomnia, and I should really emphasize the word, “suffer”. Most of my life I’ve been a restless sleeper, but these last three or four months have been some of the hardest for me in getting sleep. I used to be okay enough to get a few hours a night. Not enough to feel rested, but enough to function. But not anymore, and I can’t figure out why. The nights just drag on endlessly. I try to read, watch TV, jog, write, exercise, play guitar, and hope that something brings me down far enough to crash. But it never happens. I’m sure my neighbors all think I’m insane at this point.The lights are always on around here, even late at night. And you know, the insomnia wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so boring. And lonely. The rest of the world has fallen asleep, and I’m left to carry on for another 8 or 9 hours alone. It’s not horrible, but it just seems to emphasize the silence and the misery of being the last one standing. Sigh. I’ve only managed about 15 hours of sleep this month. 15. In 9 days. I don’t think that this

Continue readingSqueaky swings and tall grass, the longest shadows ever cast

Interestingly enough, the phone interview went pretty well today. For those too lazy to read my my blog entry below, I was interviewing for a job working with computers in Iraq on a military base. Awesome pay, and the promise of possible death. WOO. Anyway, it went well enough that HR for the company has asked me for an in-person interview (within 20 minutes of the phone interview, no less). I’m excited. I’m not completely sure that I’ll take the job if I get it, but it’s good experience to interview regardless. Brush up on those resume skills and what not. I have to say, the prospect of working in Iraq does appeal to me, and I know that the prospect doesn’t really appeal to anyone else in my family. I found out that the reason the job is open is because, unfortunately, the contractor that held the job previously died. And pretty much the way you guessed it, he was caught in a crossfire. Now, I’ve said this before: I’m not afraid of death. I’m a little concerned about how much pain I’ll be in previous to dying, but other than that… not worried. Getting shot doesn’t sound so

Continue readingThe high never outweighs the low

It occurred to me that I forgot to mention some interesting news in my last post (oh, about an hour or two ago). I received a call at about 7 o’clock tonight from a place called “General Dynamics”, about my resume. I haven’t applied to any jobs in the last year or so, so I’m not entirely sure how they got it (probably online or something), but the job is interesting to say the least. I can’t sleep tonight, and I’m thinking it’s either because the prospect of this job is exciting, or that I’m terrified that I’m seriously considering it. Let me preface this with the fact that the pay is insanely good (well past six figures), and is related to the type of stuff I’m doing now (system administration, programming, etc.). There’s a catch. Always a catch, right? The job is in Iraq. I’d be working as a civilian contractor on a military base in that big sandbox in the East. Now, the prospect of being in a slightly unstable political environment doesn’t exactly scare me. In fact, the prospect of dying doesn’t (and hasn’t ever) really scared me either. I know that it sounds kind of weird,

Continue readingStay close to me while the sky is falling

Happy New Year! For better or for worse, 2008 is now gone and we are left timidly venturing in to 2009. I spent my last night of ’08 on stage, screaming the countdown to the new year with a glass of vodka in one hand, and my bass in the other. I don’t think that I would have wanted to spend it any other way, or with better people. My band members, Steff, Criss, and our (now leaving) drummer Eric, were on stage to bring it all home. Out in the crowd included my father, my friend Trina and her family and daughters, my best friend from high school Eric and his wife Andrea. It was fantastic, and I absolutely loved the night that I had. Today I got up without much effort, even though I seem to remember drinking directly from a wine bottle toward the end of the night. It’s kind of fuzzy. Anyway, I went out to breakfast with my dad this morning, and he ended up going home right around six o’clock this evening. I decided that, if I’m going to start with a new year, my house and my mind and my body should have

Continue readingThere’s beauty in that sunrise in the sky

Sigh. Why the hell am I still awake? Why!? How I hate, hate, hate insomnia. I’ve struggled with it throughout my life, even as young as six or so. I’m so tired, and yet, whenever I lie down, close my eyes and try to sleep, nothing happens. Nothing! ARGH. There is a Ren and Stimpy cartoon where Ren is unable to sleep for an entire night. After much hijinx and such during the night, as the sun rises and Stimpy’s golf buddies show up with their clubs, Ren holds up $5 and says, “I’ll give five bucks to the first person who can knock me out!” And that was just one night of lost sleep. I routinely go a few days without sleep, and nobody (yes, including doctors) has a satisfactory explanation for it. Sigh. I used to write the best poetry at 3 o’clock in the morning, under very much the same circumstance. I’m beginning to wonder if, since I’m no longer writing anything late at night (poetry wise), have I finally run out of things to say? Hmm.

I’m not sure how many of you have noticed, but a lot of the titles to my blog posts are from the lyrics of the songs I happen to be listening to at the time. Don’t read too much in to the one on this post. It’s just funny that, in my tendency to listen to music late at night, my song choices tend to have lyrics that mirror my mood or what I’ve been thinking about during the day. Perhaps I can abandon writing altogether, and just blog the last five or six songs that I queued up on my MP3 playlist. Eh? Okay, maybe not, but it would be a pretty representative sample of my state of mind. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about music the last couple of days. Not for any particular reason, other than I wanted to consciously notice each song that I have a memory, feeling, person, or otherwise attached to it. So for each song that I heard during the day, whether it be one that I chose or one that came on randomly during my day, I try to decide what sort of attachment I have to it. Good. God. When

Continue readingThe dreams in which I’m dying, are the best I ever had

I got home from work today and stood in the doorway of my house. It’s Christmas eve today, and my house was empty. There was nobody here to cook dinner, nobody decorating a tree or putting presents under it. I have no stockings hanging from the fireplace. I realized I couldn’t stand to sit here and look at it. I went for a jog, hoping to clear my head, and get some badly needed exercise… regardless of the fact that there’s still two feet of snow on the ground. For some reason, in the past seven or eight years, jogging has become my way of processing the things in my life that are bothering me. There was a time when I would push myself through the last couple miles of a jog, even though I knew I shouldn’t. Many occasions resulted in me puking at the side of the road from exhaustion, and instead of stopping like a sane person, I’d continue on. It may sound completely insane, but it really has more to do with being unable to stop something I’ve started. I’ve always been like that. I’m back home now, obviously, and I’m sitting in my office typing

Continue readingThe many ghosts of Christmas’ passed

When I was about six years old, I was sitting in the living room of our house on Williams Street in Lebanon, OR. My aunt Misty (my mom’s sister) had come in and was visibly upset. I overheard the adults talking about my grandparents (my mom’s parents) not being able to make ends meet. They didn’t have money for food and some of their bills. At that time in my life, I was saving up for a Nintendo gaming system. I was in the living room counting the money that I’d earned (which was next to nothing at that time… I was six, sue me) from doing chores and working whenever I could. I stared down at the small wad of bills and change that totalled a little over $7 (which is a lot for a six year old, especially in 1988). That Nintendo, I decided, suddenly seemed pretty unimportant. I remember that point vividly in my life, as I remember it was one of the first times I sacrificed what I wanted for the well being of somebody else. I interrupted the conversation and said, “They can have my money.” I collected all that I had, every penny, and

Continue readingAnd a merry merry Christmas, and a happy New Year