Writing from above the awful sod
I have had no less than three friends send me the following image. None of them know each other, or ever speak with each other, and they all said that this picture immediately reminded them of me. I’m not sure if this is a good thing, or a bad thing:
I’ve lived a good portion of my life within the confines of my head, but lately, I’m having trouble shutting off my brain. I just feel confined, and I don’t like it. It’s past 1am, and I know I’ll be sitting here come 2am or 3. I don’t know what to do but wait for sleep to come. I’ve taken sleep aids and they don’t seem to do anything beyond making my heart race as I lie down for slumber. I haven’t had any real substantial sleep in a week now, and I’m really beginning to worry. I manage an hour here, an hour the next night, and maybe a couple on a given day. It can’t possibly be enough, and I wonder how long it takes for the body to finally give up and crash. Sigh. I’m going to try and lay back down. I’ll probably be back here soon. Tah tah for now.
What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do to someone you loved? I’m sure there are a great many people that would answer, “Telling them the truth.” or “Lying to them” or something similar. I read a forum that had this exact question, and the great majority of the answers were along those lines. Admittedly, telling the truth is much harder than lying. At least when you’re lying you can pick the truth that they hear. The truth is always the hardest thing to give to someone, especially when the news isn’t what you’d want it to be. I had to think about it for a while on what would have been my most difficult test in love. It ended up having nothing to do with truth or lies or anything in between. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do for someone I loved? Letting them go.
… and I guess that’s why I have such a hard time trying to celebrate it. I don’t have a tree. I don’t have any decorations up. I haven’t bought any presents for anybody, and I feel like a lot of it is just a waste of time and energy. Yeah, I know: Bah humbug, right? Not quite. It’s not that I dislike Christmas, and I don’t have a problem with the people that are jolly and happy and enjoying this time of the season. No, my real problem is much more simple: It doesn’t feel like Christmas to me anymore. I remember when I was a kid, I literally counted down the days to Christmas. And the presents weren’t the important part (though, they were great). I always looked forward to the love and the warmth that I shared with my family and the time that we spent together. But now– well, Christmas has become a different kind of reminder for me. It was the time of the year that was most important to my mom. Where she would bring everybody together and make sure they knew how much she loved them. I always knew she loved me, but
Isn’t it amazing that a little piece of music can force you to remember a part of your life, almost as if the two are linked? I’m sitting here listening to the song “Name” by The Goo Goo Dolls, and wondering about my friend Heather from many years ago. It’s late, pushing 1am, and I keep having visions and thoughts about her that won’t go away. It’s simultaneously heartbreaking and comforting. Funny how much has changed in the last three or four years. She had an amazing effect on my life, and that’s something I’ll never forget. I read a poem she wrote about me, called “An Ode to Andy”, and have to laugh a little… it all still applies. All of it. Even almost 7 years later. Sigh. She’s gone now, or I’m gone, or whatever you want to call it. I’m not sure anymore. It all seems pointless now, anyway. I had a rough day today. I won’t go in to details, but it was just… incredibly hard, and I’m feeling very alone and more lost than usual. I wish I could sleep, but sometimes we just can’t have what we want the most.
Because of some current events in my life, I’ve had a few people ask me what my beliefs are. The usual suspects include, “Do you believe in God?”, “Do you believe in prayer?”, etc. I do not. I have not. I will not. I don’t have a problem with someone believing in something that provides them with comfort, but the false belief in something that does not exist does not provide me with any comfort. In fact, there are a great many things that people tend to take for granted in their beliefs, that I simply refuse to believe or give any credit to. I don’t believe in superstition, luck, ghosts, spirits, souls, that everything will work out, the afterlife, or anything in between. Quite literally, if it’s anything beyond what you can feel, see, and touch, I refuse to have any belief in it. My life, as it is, is complicated enough to try and understand without adding anything additional. Life is what it is, regardless if you believe in some invisible father figure that watches over you. I also don’t believe in the myth of Jesus Christ, prophets, prophecy, pyschics, and the boogeyman. Does that make me a
I was given the classic hypothetical situation yesterday: If you were given six months to live, what would you do? The usual responses tend to be that the person would travel, or they would do those little things that they were always too afraid to, etc. etc. It’s interesting, when you think about it. When faced with the prospect of death, people first turn to the things they were always terrified to do. So, what would I do with my remaining days? Honestly? I’ve lived most of my life as if there was no tomorrow. I’ve never held back for fear of repercussions or consequence. I’ve said all that I’ve ever needed to say to those that I love and those that I appreciate in my life. I have no regrets from my past; I’ve lived my life the way that I’ve wanted to, and I wouldn’t change anything. I am who I am as a direct result of my past. I have only three things that I would do, and they’ve been omitted from my life only because I’ve never had the time and the money at the same time. 1.) Skydiving. I’ve always wanted to, never been afraid
Sigh. There is a long and lonely emptiness here. It’s haunting this house and sitting in the bed next to me. It’s strange what the mind (and more to the point: my mind) does at night when nobody is around. I hear the voices of loved ones saying my name, and I have to momentarily remind myself that there’s no one here. Don’t get me wrong, I can be single and I don’t mind being single. Really, I don’t. I liken it to those first few months after my mom died… every morning, waking up for the first four or five seconds was complete bliss. But reality was always there to remind me soon enough, and I’d be reminded that she isn’t ever coming back. I’m not sad or depressed tonight, just lonely and thinking about getting out of the house… if only I could feel like I can get a full lung of air (see post below). I’m a little overly analytical tonight, too, so maybe I should just shut my mind off somehow. Anybody up for getting insanely drunk with me? That’ll do it.
… you’re having trouble breathing, and instead of doing the right thing (going to the hospital), you decide to sit around a blog about it. Yep, that’s me. Okay, if I honestly thought I was going to pass out or lose consciousness, I would have been at the hospital already, okay? Don’t freak out. That being said, I feel like I can’t get a lung full of air. I’ve never had asthma before, but I kind of imagine that this is what it would feel like. I take a really deep breath, and it feels… weird, at the top of my lungs. I don’t know how to describe the sensation other than unbearably intense tickling sensation somewhere in my chest. Not like I’m going to cough, but just like, “Dear god, if I breath that deep again my chest will cave in” Weird. Maybe I’m just finally losing my mind. That’d be pretty fitting, actually.
There’s nothing quite like a hard day of work, wandering through the maze of beuracracy and corporate politics, development and goals and deadlines, and finding myself home amid the aromatic eminations of fresh cooked cinnamon rolls and dinner in the crock pot. Walking in to my house today, I remembered all those carefree days that I came home from school to find my mom baking in the kitchen. I found myself content and happy; a feeling that I’ve not used to describe my mood in quite some time. I find myself today in a mood that is unbecoming of who I have become; I find myself optimistic and dare I say… not caring what tomorrow brings, so long as I can live in this moment and enjoy it to the absolute fullest.