… and I guess that’s why I have such a hard time trying to celebrate it. I don’t have a tree. I don’t have any decorations up. I haven’t bought any presents for anybody, and I feel like a lot of it is just a waste of time and energy.
Yeah, I know: Bah humbug, right?
Not quite. It’s not that I dislike Christmas, and I don’t have a problem with the people that are jolly and happy and enjoying this time of the season. No, my real problem is much more simple: It doesn’t feel like Christmas to me anymore.
I remember when I was a kid, I literally counted down the days to Christmas. And the presents weren’t the important part (though, they were great). I always looked forward to the love and the warmth that I shared with my family and the time that we spent together.
But now– well, Christmas has become a different kind of reminder for me. It was the time of the year that was most important to my mom. Where she would bring everybody together and make sure they knew how much she loved them. I always knew she loved me, but around Christmas, I was showered in reminders from her.
The day after Thanksgiving we always went to get the tree (and invariably, it was tossed Christmas day, as it was so dried out by then), and spent the entire day trimming, maneuvering, decorating, and beautifying the damn thing. We spent the entire time together, talking and laughing and enjoying each others company.
… and it’s gone. She’s gone. My father lives 90 minutes away. My step-dad has a different family now, and my step-brother and step-sister live hours away. I’m alone in a big house, with no tree and nobody to see my decorations, and in the last 9 years, I haven’t been able to bring myself to give a damn about it.
I miss her so much, and I miss everything about her in ways I don’t even realize during the rest of the year. I miss her so much that it literally aches in the center of my being. Many have asked me why I don’t just carry on her traditions, why don’t I just keep those alive and maybe it’ll make me feel better about the entire thing.
The problem is, that will only seek to remind me of all that I’ve lost.
This isn’t what my mom would have wanted for me, and I know that. I do. But I can’t think of what I’d want to put in place of her ideas and her beautiful traditions. I don’t know what to do, and what’s more, I’m not sure I ever will.