I managed to cram in a whopping hour or two of sleep tonight. I’m so far beyond exhausted that I’m having trouble holding my head up. I’m at that level of exhaustion that makes you feel like puking. And yet, my eyes refuse to stay shut.
It usually starts to become unbearable at right around midnight or one o’clock. The voices in my head start swirling and talking faster. I can’t seem to hold a thought, and at the same time, I’m trying to hold a hundred different ones.
I’m not sure why I’m having so much trouble tonight. Probably because I’m feeling vulnerable, and in turn, my self-destructive side thinks that I welcome the distraction from my problems. I don’t.
I just hate it when people point out my faults, insecurities, and when they make it blatantly obvious in the ways that I’m failing them.
And really, it’s my fault for failing them. It is. But there are ways of communicating that, and there are ways not to.
So tonight I’m sitting on the couch, watching bad B movies and waiting for sunrise to come rescue me from myself. The wait is always long and the night always drags on endlessly.
There was a time when I was sure of everything. Sure of where I stood, who I was, and who I could depend on. Sure of who loved me, who hated me, and who didn’t give a flying fuck if I was still alive.
The sad thing is, I can’t depend on my own impressions, whether they are bad or good. I’m human and I’m fallable and the ways that I perceive things is going to be different for anybody else.
I’ll give you an example.
I had a friend, not too long ago, ask me about a situation he ran in to. My advice was to give the benefit of the doubt, but I’m finding that the older I get, the less patience I have for people.
He came home to find his wife chatting with an ex online. Which was okay. He knew that they were talking from time to time. When he came and sat next to her, she said she had to go in the chat session and then immediately signed off without waiting for a reply.
Then she got up and left the room, and sent a text message to the ex. Then she lied about texting him, even though my friend clearly saw it when she pressed send.
Now, my advice was to give her the benefit of the doubt. But these days, I’m having a harder and harder time seeing the coincidence in that situation.
What was she hiding, and what was so important to go text to him immediately after? It just seemed wonky the more I thought about it.
I got an e-mail from my friend a couple of weeks ago. She was cheating on him. I guess my second guess was the right one.
What happens if I stop seeing good intentions in anyone? Does that mean I can just check out of the human race completely?
Sigh. I’m betting this post doesn’t make a whole lot of sense this late at night.