I was just reading through the book that I’ve been writing. It’s an autobiography, and I know that that makes it sound like I’ve lived an interesting life; I really haven’t.
But there was a pretty long span of time where I hitchhiked across the country, was homeless, and survived by the kindness of strangers and my own resourcefulness. As I was reading through my account of the events, I can’t help but wonder what the hell I was thinking at the time.
I spent a great many nights staring at the night sky, wondering if there was a God, wondering if there was some other alien staring back at me from across the galaxy. I even came up with my own prayer on one of those nights, “Please forgive me, God, for believing you don’t exist.”
I don’t think people really understand how lonely and hopeless being an athiest can be; at times, I really wish that I could have the same unquestioning faith that others do. I wish I could believe, but I know that I can’t and never will.
It reminds me of Pascal’s wager. Ever read about that?
It basically states that, faced with the fact that the existence of God cannot be determined through reason, a person should “wager” as though God exists, because living as such has potentially everything to gain, and nothing to lose.
The problem I have with this prospect is that it doesn’t take in to account the sheer multitude of religions in this world. Which God does one worship? How many? Why? Why choose that one?
Doesn’t it seem more like extorting belief out of fear than anything else? It certainly does to me.
Plus, if God does exist and is omnipotent and knows your thoughts, what’s the sense in having belief that is disengenuous? Isn’t that just as bad as having no faith, or worse, since it’s a lie?
If God exists, and if God does know my every thought, then I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for the doubt that he must endure within me, but I think that, if he exists, he’ll also understand.
Frankly, as I’ve said many times, I’m waiting for God to believe in me, and when he does, then we’ll have something to talk about.
But until then, I believe in myself and that’s good enough for me.
Sometimes, though, I just wish I could experience the wonder and fascination of absolute faith in something. Even for just a moment.
My faithlessness will have to do.