The subject line of this post is from a song called, “What If” by Floater. Whenever I hear it (and I do listen to it a lot), I’m always reminded of the time that I spent hitchhiking across the country. Honestly, when I get all old and wrinkled, I would like to be the old man out on the highway, hoping for the next ride from some kind stranger. In a lot of ways, I’ve spent most of my life wandering and looking.
Looking for what, I have no real idea. I guess that’s why I’m still unsatisfied and still searching for that next great high. I don’t suppose the search ever really ends, and honestly, I’m not sure I’d ever want it to.
Despite what a lot of people will tell you, I didn’t ever feel threatened when I was hitchhiking. Certainly some of the drivers were a little stranger than others, but that’s a given in almost any situation. I loved the nights at 2am when a random stranger would pick me up, and quite literally tell me their entire life story. It was fascinating some of the things people will talk about in the company of a complete unknown. I’m tempted to write a book about nothing more than the people I met during my adventure.
I honestly miss being that person. I’ve set down roots now, and I feel somewhat confined to Portland, and in a lot of ways, that suits me better than I ever thought it would. Portland always has something going on, no matter the time or the day, there’s something you can find to do. But I want more and strangely enough, I find I’m restless even with the large number of things I’m out doing most nights.
I’m almost 27, and I don’t feel like I’ve calmed down much from when I was 16. I certainly get in less trouble, and I don’t break nearly as many laws, but the free spirit and the urge to be out there doing things is amazingly strong. I have a hard time accepting that my life will ever be run of the mill or ordinary. But someday, it might also be nice to settle down and have a family of my own as well.
See? This is why I’m still searching. I don’t know what I want. So in that respect, here’s a picture that fits the post:
