My annual performance review is today. I can’t say that I’m very excited because, honestly, I always feel like I’m not living up to my potential. I always feel like I could be doing more, and I always feel like I could be accomplishing more in less time.
Sadly, my review actually reflects this. It paints me as unreliable and uncommunicative to key business partners and folks within our infrastructure. It makes me seem lazy, even though I’ve spent many sleepless nights coding and recoding and testing and working on problems that plague our department.
I’ve devoted the last several years to this company, and I guess I just wish that I had been more aware of my problems beforehand. And really, that’s the issue we all face in our own lives. We wish we’d seen the freight train barrelling down on us just a little bit sooner than we did.
Even more sad is that, as I write this, I realize I’ve spent a lot of my life working my ass off with little, if anything, to show for it. That’s really the story of my life.
I just want to feel like the work that I do matters, somehow and in some context; all the time I’ve spent pulling out my hair and driving myself crazy over the problems that I’ve helped resolve in the past few years. Shouldn’t it count for something?
I guess not. And whats more, I’m probably looking for validation of my life in the wrong place. For the longest time, I’d defined who I was by the job that I led and the money I made. And it’s true for a lot of people. Most people seem to measure their lives by how much money they bring in, how many things they can buy, and the places that they live.
In the end, though, it’s all bullshit. When I’m on my death bed, I seriously doubt that my last thought will be, “Man, I wish I’d lived in a bigger house.”
My last thoughts will be of my kids, my wife, the things that I’ve seen, the places that I’ve been, and those little moments of joy and happiness that I’ve experienced with all those I’ve loved. I won’t wish that I’d driven a better car, or had more money to buy more expensive electronics.
I suppose I can allow this performance review to define me, and allow me to feel worthless and lazy, or I can decide that I’ve devoted enough of my life to expectations of others and now maybe it’s time that I find a new way to define the life that I live and the life that I lead.
Shit. I’ve walked through the desert for days with nothing but a duffel bag across my shoulders. Surely I’ve defined myself in more ways than just a Systems Analyst. Right?